I spent the middle part of my Sunday in one of my very favorite ways—having a leisurely brunch with a former co-worker and a female friend of hers at a pretty little French restaurant downtown. None of us had to be anywhere so there was a relaxing, free flowing vibe to our conversation. Women seem to specialize in this ability to get into that fluid zone of talking where you can go anywhere at all, with no underlying goal or practical purpose, although I do have a few male friends who have this ability and come to think of it, my sons have a bit of it as well. I’m like my aunts on my father’s side of the family who are legendary for the length of their telephone conversations. My mother, on the other hand, tends to stick to very concrete exchanges of information in her conversations—what she did, what she ate, what her cat did, what the birds in her backyard did, who is sick, who died, etc. It may be a brain wiring thing. But my brunch buddies and I pretty much focused—deliciously--on what must be one of my all-time favorite topics, relationships between men and women—the eternal mystery. Not to diminish the mystery of romantic relationships between women and women or men and men, but I can only write what I know.

All three of us had recently broken up with men with whom we had been engaged in fairly serious, long-term relationships. I am now safely out of what I call the danger zone where you can easily be sucked right back into the relationship, resulting in the prolonged agony of getting back together, breaking up again and vowing not to ever let the person cross your boundary again only to move the boundary, and so on. I would not say that my companions were quite out of the danger zone yet, as there was still emotion underlying descriptions of their partners’ wrongdoing. These are two really attractive, intelligent, kind, interesting women with much to offer in a relationship. As I have almost thirty years on one and twenty on the other, I felt as if I should have some sage advice to offer them, a roadmap showing the way out of the dating jungle into the sunlit meadow of a happy, emotionally healthy, fulfilling relationship. I wanted to be able to give that to them—to assure them that all would be well.

All I remember saying, however, was that fortunately there seems to be something else besides our own visible, conscious efforts at work in the process of finding a life partner. I know there are those who would swear that you have to “get out there!” and join dating websites and always be at the ready for a possibly life-changing encounter (no impulsive trips to the grocery store in grungy workout clothes with no makeup and a messy ponytail.) And yes, yes, efforts must be made. We can’t reasonably expect Mr. Wonderful to actually show up at our door with flowers—we do have to get out in the world. But I also think there’s an inner thing, something we may not be consciously aware of, that is guiding the intricate process of connecting with someone. Part of it involves being truly available and ready to meet someone, which isn’t the case when you’re still looking back longingly at what you had, or thought you had. Another part of it is being very clear on what you want and what you don’t want in a partner, so you can recognize both when you encounter it. And then there’s realizing that just as you want someone who is mature, following their dreams (which expands your world when you get together), open to growth, etc., your future partner is going to want that in you, as well. So there may be some prep work to do. Then again, this is just called living life, whether you are seeking a partner or not.